What am I getting myself into?

I’m scared. I’m thinking of living on campus this semester. and I’m scared. what if I get stuck with freaks?! or what if I’m just not ready to leave my house and my mommy. =( I want to leave and get out and be on my own but I’m scared I’ll fail. I’m scared of failing, I’ve always been good with most things, and if I wasn’t, they generally weren’t incredibly important, but what if I’m not good with college? And I don’t want my friendships to waver while I’m away, granted, my school is about 35 minutes from home, but nonetheless, seeing people everyday and then going to maybe every other weekend or so will probably be a bit different. But I want to live there. I just hope nothing happens with my friends, I love them to death, they make me, me.

but, i’m just scared. what if I don’t fit in? or what if I don’t make new friends? I already sometimes feel like I don’t belong here (not specifically in my house, but in general, I just don’t belong anywhere) and I would hate to feel that when I’m away from home. maybe I’m just afraid of change, which is a big possibility. I want the change, but I don’t, because I’m actually scared of it. but if I move, I’ll be leaving in a week. and that makes me sad… and scared.

I’ll probably go, everyone, including myself think I should do it. I need it. I need to get out on my own and try new things and let myself grow. but I don’t know if I can do. James’ says I have a new found confidence, but I can’t be completely confident in myself when I’m terrified.

but today was a wonderful day. I found out some important information and I feel amazing about it now. =) It’s just that I have to email my school and tell them I’ll take the room, by noon.. in like… 10 hours. ohmygosh. I figured it would be okay because it’s only a semester. it’s not a commitment to do it for a whole year.

Well, I need sleep. I can’t keep worrying myself. It’s not healthy. Goodnight.

School Spirit!

Much to my surprise, I have school spirit. and I like it! woo.

I went to my school’s first Basketball game of the season.. and I cheered, kinda, and clapped and it was just fun. I’m so glad I went, I just wish I had gone with some people who cheered too. lol. Joanna just kinda sat there while I was standing and clapping and whatnot.. nerd.

But, that’s all. I’m pretty stoked! It was fun. I can’t wait until the next game!

Go Patriots!! =]

And maybe I’m not that bright, but I can’t figure out how to change the color of my font.. lol. Anyone that knows and would answer, that would just be lovely!

Am I alone?

Today was wonderful. Nothing made me upset, I don’t think. But now I’m really upset again. I’m such a girl. With all the changes of emotions so fast. It’s so dumb.

I think I’m just not happy with my life. and it’s not like it’s all that bad.. I mean, it’s not bad, I just don’t like the way things have turned out. I saw the pictures from the Haunted Forest and they were adorable. We looked so cute together. =] but then I saw other pictures of like, Katie and Teddy and her and her boyfriend and that makes me sad. I want a guy best friend. Hell, I think I just want a best friend. I mean, I have one. and I love her. But sometimes I feel like our friendship is never going to be the same as it was before what happened last year and I hate that. I hate myself for letting our friendship fall apart over something so stupid. and I’ve apologized so many times for that, and people jsut keep bringing it back up. I was at Josh’s for his birthday today and he’s like, no I’m the real best friend (to Nicole) I’m the one that never left her. and it hurts a lot to hear that. because I know it’s probably true. and that makes me really sad. I’m afraid that I don’t know how to make friends. like, Nicole can be my only best friend because I’ve known her the longest.. I’m not sure. It’s dumb, I know. I’m dumb.

So I kinda feel like I’m alone. I don’t have my best friend to turn to because there’s a part of our friendship that’s missing that I wish was still there and I miss like you have no idea. I wish I was her best friend, not just her being mine. This is my biggest regret. and probably my only regret, actually. Just the fact that I let our friendship die out.. I’m a horrible friend. and then Teddy, I thought we were going somewhere. I’m not sure what’s going on now, I haven’t talked to him since Friday besides like two texts this entire week. Yes, he’s busy, but too busy to text me asking me what’s up? Too busy to text me saying goodnight sweet dreams. Like he’s been doing for the past TWO or THREE WEEKSSS!! ugh. I don’t understand. He’s supposed to come stay the night in Herndon with me tomorrow and we’re going to study for our Geography test, but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen. I sure want it to, but I’m afraid that I’ll just be so happy that he’s talking to me that I’ll forget that I was upset by him and I won’t be able to talk to him. I feel like I just want people to tell me straight to my face what they want. If he doesn’t want to see me anymore, then I just fucking want him to tell me that!! I hate when they just ignore you thinking, oh maybe she’ll get the hint and leave me alone. because I won’t. I need to be told, otherwise I’m just too freaking optimistic and I’ll just make up excuses for you like I said I’ve done before.. I’ll just think, oh he’s really busy, he’s got a lot going on in his life, it’s alright, I understand.

I do feel alone, actually. Like there’s no one that I can turn to. There’s no one that I can say, so what do you think about this situation? etc. I don’t have anyone like that anymore.. I miss it. I need it. I need someone I can call crying and ask what I should do. I’ve never felt like I could talk to anyone in my family about any of my problems. and now I don’t even think I can talk to my friends. I wish I had someone. I can’t go on by myself, I’m not that strong. I need a support system.. this is crap. I should be happy with the friends that I have, even though I don’t know about that friendship anymore.. I kinda feel like I can’t make new friends and that I have to be stuck with the friends that I have. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes it is. I mean, I love, love, love my friends.. I just don’t know that I can talk to them. Nicole is my best friend, but I don’t know that I can talk to her because I know that she’ll tell Cam and Josh. So I don’t know what to do. I rarely talk to Joanna, but I can’t talk to her about anything because she’s so judgemental I wouldn’t even want to try telling her what I feel like I’m going through. I wish I could crawl up in a ball and hide somewhere forever.

I was especially upset when I thought about getting older. Katie turned 19 today and she thinks she’s old. Teddy’ll be 20 in a few weeks.. My life is passing me by and I sitting here being sad!! College is supposed to be the best time in a person’s life! I don’t think that’s going to happen for me. I hate it. I don’t get out. I need to get out, get some school spirit and just have fun. I need to let loose. But the thing is, I live at home, I can’t exactly get out. My school’s 30 minutes away.. I don’t know hardly anyone at the main campus. Anyone that I do know besides Teddy I don’t really talk to much. I went up there on Tuesday and because I don’t live on campus, I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t feel like I should be walking around there because it’s not my school, I mean, technically it is, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. Rarely do I walk around and see someone that I know, unless my geography class just let out, then I see those people.. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

UGH! I wish I could start over. Start COMPLETELY over. I wish that was possible. I wish I could make new choices, granted, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here right now writing this, but maybe I’d be happier. Maybe I wouldn’t be crying right now because I feel alone. but who knows, maybe I would’ve made worse choices and I could be in jail or something. lol. like I would ever do something to get me in jail.. I’m too much of a goody goody. and that’s annoying too. I don’t take risks.

Oh man. This is probably more than anyone wants to hear from me. but hey, this is my new diary, I’ll spill my heart out here.

Anyway… the weekend’s coming up, I hope I can go out with him. I need to get out. I need to meet new people and make new friends and just become a new person because I’m tired of the person that I’ve become. Not that it’s a bad person or anything, I’m just tired of my life. I don’t want to sound all complainy though, or poor me. but, ugh, I’m just not happy again.

Goodnight.