What music has done to me tonight.

I think I’m feeling extra emotional today or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m listening to Dave Matthews Band and I’m realizing how amazing this music is. I used to listen to their music, but I never really got into it too much and now that Teddy likes it and I’m liking Teddy, I’m listening to it. and it’s really good. Like Tripping Billies. I’ve never heard this song, but I like it. “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.” That’s such a good motto. Make the most of life and what not.. gosh. I like music like this, with this message. “Celebrate we will Because life is short but sweet for certain.” This one’s from their song, Two Step. It’s great. I’m glad I found this.. through him. Sometimes I feel like if I listen to the music people like that I’ll learn something about them, like I’ll get a part of them and I’ll understand more about them. I think it’s true.. I don’t know. I like the quote, “You really learn something about someone when you listen to the music that means something to them.” and that’s entirely too true. Except that I’m not too sure you’d learn much about me if you listened to the Lifehouse and Mat Kearney that I listen to.

I have too many fears. I would love to write them all down and everything, but I’m afraid it makes me vulnerable. Like, even though none of you know who I am, if I let you know what really scares me, then you have something to hold against me. I’m afraid to let people in and let them get to know me. I know I’ve said that before but it’s true. I don’t want people to know too much about me. I want to be able to get away. I need my escape, just incase things get too serious, or whatever.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m talking about. I’m kind of just rambling about what I can not write.. ha. This is so dumb. No one reads this.. but I just feel really upset right now and I need somewhere to write. I’m not sure exactly what my problem is, why I’m so upset.. I mean, there are certain things going on, but I’m not that girl, I shouldn’t let boy issues bother me as much as they do. I’m too weak. I can’t let boys do this to me. Maybe he’s not doing it on purpose. but if he is, then I have no fucking idea why this always happens to me!! It’s not fair. I don’t do anything to deserve being treated the way I get treated. =[ but maybe it’s just telephone dificulties, for some reason Verizon hasn’t been working for me lately and someone will call me but it’ll go to some guy.. stupid thing. I doubt it. I think I come up with excuses for them so that when said boy decides to talk to me again I know in my mind that it was ok, because I made up an excuse for them… which doesn’t make any sense at all. lol. again, I’m just too weak.

So I talked to Jamie today. He was texting me and I just decided to call him. We talked for 45 minutes. It’s been over 2 months since I’ve actually spoken to him and surprisingly enough, we talked just like we used to. It was so weird. He told Joanna that I hated him and that’s why he never talked to me, which didn’t make any sense, but whatever, but we talked and talked. and it was nice. I miss talking to him, he was one of my really good friends, obviously.. ha.

Goodness, I am pretty pathetic. I need to stop letting boys bother me… or maybe just people in general and let myself be happy. I only have one life to live, I need to live it up. It’s hard though. Sometimes I wish I could start over and make new decisions and have a new life. Maybe I’d have different friends and I would’ve moved away to college and gotten away and met new people out in a place I’m new too.

I’m really sad.. I’ll write again tomorrow maybe.