A Woman Is Not A Pre-Existing Condition

http://awomanisnotapreexistingcondition.com/

 

And Sometimes You Leave..

So I’ve been confused lately. But hey, what’s new.

The boy I met a few weeks ago and I have been talking inconsistently the past two weeks. More at the beginning and now only when I text him. I guess that’s to be expected though. I asked him if he was going to bring me along when he travels the world being the best soccer goalie ever and he asked if I wanted to. I said yes. He said he might have to pull some strings but he’ll see what he can do. He’s adorable. But I can’t help to think he’s just going along with it and doing whatever because hey, honestly, he doesn’t have to see me again. The way I see it, I can flirt and go the extra mile with him because there is always that possibility that I won’t see him again, but then we are planning on getting together on winter break.

If American hand won their game on Saturday he’d be back here this weekend, he told me. But they lost. Fuck you American!!! Way to be the #1 team and lose. Ugh.

I feel like “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I decided that I get invested in a relationship, even if it’s going nowhere and then I get hurt and upset. I don’t understand. In the movie she says that at least she has feelings for other people and she lets other people in, as opposed to the guy who shuts everyone out and never has to worry about embarrassing himself thinking someone might like him.

I’m willing to embarrass myself right now. I’ve already done it enough with him, why not go all the way.

So now, the title of my post is a song by Carrie Underwood.

Sometimes you give
Sometimes they take
Sometimes you bend
And sometimes they break you down
Sometimes you stick around
Trying to change them, make them
Someone that they’ll never be
And sometimes you leave

It makes me sad. I was with the original him (who is now Plan B in my life, according to my friends, Plan A is PA boy) this weekend and I’m not sure how I feel about him anymore. I feel like I don’t have the same feelings for him anymore, and it’s really upsetting as well as a little liberating. He’s not the same person anymore. I think maybe I’ve tried so much in the past couple years to get him back to the nice guy he was and I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know!! : (

I feel like I’m in limbo. I don’t have the same feelings for the person I’ve liked and loved for the past three years. I used to think it was true love, love, like every girl does, haha, but it is a kind of love still. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I like someone four hours away. And that may merely be because he was nice to me and acted the way he thought I should be treated.

It’s easy to believe someone when they tell you everything you want to hear

There’s nothing truer than that! But I chose to believe that he was a genuinely nice guy. From my continued talking to him, I’d say I think he is, but I’m probably not the best judge in this situation. I’d be glad to move on from the old and go on with the new. I want something new, I need something new. I’m tired of being in melancholy.

 

I just realized how difficult it probably is to follow along while reading my blogs, my apologies. And I realized that they aren’t useful to anyone but me, but I guess that’s the beauty of writing, I just need to express myself and sort my thoughts out. Even though I never solve any of my problems… I’ll work on that next.

Some People

“Some People”
By Flavia Weedn

Some people come into our lives
and quickly go… Some stay for awhile
and embrace our silent dreams.

They help us become aware
of the delicate winds of hope…
and we discover within every human spirit
there are wings yearning to fly.

They help our hearts to see that
the only stairway to the stars
is woven with dreams…
and we find ourselves
unafraid to reach high.

They celebrate the true essence
of who we are…
and have faith in all
that we may become.

Some people awaken us
to new and deeper realizations…
for we gain insight
from the passing whisper of their wisdom

Throughout our lives we are sent
precious souls…
meant to share our journey
however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.

To learn… to teach… to nurture… to love

Some people come into our lives
to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves.

Some people come into our
lives to teach us about love…
The love that rests within ourselves.

Let us reach out to others
and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action
that it ever is in words.

Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing
and make our spirits dance.

They help us to see that everything on earth
is part of the incredibility of life…
and that it is always there
for us to take of its joy.

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

What a beautiful poem. I like it. Some people aren’t meant to stay in our lives long. Some people just come in and teach us something about ourselves that we didn’t know before, they teach us how to live and grow and love.

You Can’t Run Away Forever

I met a fella from PA last weekend. He told me I was beautiful.

I told him he was wrong. He insisted.

We spent the rest of the night together talking and telling stories about our lives and such. Now we text maybe once a day. But now I’m feeling even lonelier than I was before. He asked me what my biggest fear was after I said I didn’t think I was afraid of death, when my time comes, my time comes. I said it was being alone. Being alone is my biggest fear?! That’s so weird. I think myself to be a relatively independent person.

He also told me that I have a big “Fuck Off” tattoo on my forehead and I’m unapproachable. I was unaware. That makes me sad. I don’t want to be unapproachable, but I don’t know how to change that, or even how I am unapproachable. I asked my friend and he said he doesn’t think I am usually, it just depends on the situation and my level of comfort. But still, if one person thinks I portray myself that way, I’m sure others do too. Now I’m nervous about that.

I have so many song lyrics I would add to this so that someone might actually read it, but none of them really apply to my topic.

I was thinking and I hope that this is a relationship that extends past the weekend we spent together and it seems to be a little, but then I figured that some people just come into our lives to teach us something about ourselves.
And I’ll appreciate the compassion and understanding he had for me and that’s all I can do.

Today I Cried

I don’t know why. It felt needed.
I don’t feel better, but I do, in a way.

Welcome to the Big Machine

swallow all your bitter pills
that’s what makes you beautiful
you’re all or not
I don’t need what you ain’t got

I love you and that’s the truth.

This is a quote from Catch and Release. I recently watched it and it was amazing. I loved it! You should definitely check it out!

I told them all the great things I know about you and there were a lot. I was up there for a while. I didn’t tell them everything, though. I left out the complicated stuff, like how it took losing you forever for me to truly find you. And how finding you turned me into someone else entirely. That’s not what they came for. People want to hear you were great. Not that were great, but also, sometimes, not so great. They want to know I miss you. Not that while I’ve been missing you, I’ve fallen for someone else. It’s weird, though. I feel like the only one who would understand this is you. In a way, that makes sense. He was the one person you were yourself around. Of course he’d be that same person for me. Anyway, I left all that out and I kept it simple. I told them I loved you and that’s the truth.

I realized that I write here what I would like my Facebook statuses to be just because I can’t do it there. I don’t want him to know what I’m feeling, or anyone for that matter, but mostly him. There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t. And I don’t want to look all emotional and stupid, especially when we’ve been broken up for over a year now.

I can’t make myself hate you, just like I can’t make you love me.

I’ll get it some day. I just hope that some day is soon!

Beautiful Love

Love is beautiful.
Life is beautiful.

Music is beautiful and amazing and I don’t know where I would be without it.

I’m keeping my head up.

This Was Not Your Dream

And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

You’re Everything In Between

I’m being dumb again. This is how I’m feeling right now.

Over You By: Matt Wertz

It’s been 10 months since July 7
You closed the door, I left it open
Holding out for what might be someday

So you lingered, I took you with me
Throught the country, every city
Thinking I’d be better off this way

I don’t wanna get over you
I’ve tried it 1000 times
It don’t matter what I do

So bittersweet I still remember
Every part of your phone number
Tempted, you’re just 10 digits away

I’ve gotta tell you, go down firing
Leave the darkness, cease the striving
Knowing that I’ll never be the same

I guess I don’t wanna get over you
I’ve tried it 1000 times
It don’t matter what I do

It’s too hard to let you go
All the spaces you still roam
You’re everything in between

I don’t wanna get over you
I’ve tried it 1000 times
It don’t matter what I do

I’m pretty much in love with any musician named Matt.. hopefully I won’t marry a Matt though, unless it’s Matt Nathanson or a replica of Matt Nathanson (with the same name), because I really do not enjoy the name Matt. lol.