I’ve decided that I have a hard time with the future because I like to plan everything. I like to know exactly what I’m going to do. But I can’t do that with the future! I keep wanting to spend all this time researching internships, courses, grad programs, future jobs and always thinking that Jamie’s always going to be there to be with in the future. (even though I’m not sure if that ship has sailed now, I seem to think that it hasn’t but you know me, I often deny the truth if I have to) Like I want to know what I’m going to do, who I’m going to marry, but I can’t know what’s going to happen. It is nice to try and plan it. I just hope I’m not setting myself up for a let down because I’m planning out so much and it probably won’t end up the way I necessarily want it right now.
I need to learn to just let things happen, but I feel like without some idea of what I want to do, that I can’t do anything.
I think we’re always pushing for the future. I know I am. I’m ready to go back to school, that’s almost two months of summer I’m prepared to skip. I want to graduate and go to grad school. That’s two YEARS I want to skip. I need to focus on the now. It’s just hard because I’m afraid I won’t amount to anything.
Well, I heard this song a few months ago and it’s pretty good. It makes me happy. Even though it’s sad. It’s just relatable I suppose. And you should check out the rest of their songs. They’re very good too!
Sometime Around Midnight By: The Airborne Toxic Event
And it starts…
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two
As you stand…
under the barlights
and the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while
and the piano’s this melancholy soundcheck
to her smile
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her
for a while
But you know…
that she’s watching
She’s laughing, she’s turning
she’s holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
she walks up and asks how you are
so you can smell her perfume
you can see her lying naked in your arms
And so there’s a change…
in your emotions
and all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
of the curl of your bodies
like two perfect circles entwined
and you feel hopeless, and homelss
and lost in the haze
of the wine
And she leaves…
with someone you don’t know
but she makes sure you saw her
she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes
and when your friends say what is it
you look like you’ve seen a ghost
And you walk…
under the streetlights
and you’re too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you so care what you look like
the world is falling
around you
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
and you know that she’ll break you
in two
That isn’t the real video, but the people who put the real video up disabled embedding videos. So lame. If you want to see the real thing, you can look it up. Sorry!!
And she whispers in his ear
“You can’t run away forever”
“If you feel like coming home to me sometime
Yeah, if you feel like coming home to me
I’ll be waiting at the door
There is nothing to be sorry for
So why can’t you come home?
Don’t you feel like coming home to me anymore?
You don’t feel like coming home to me?”
I’m going to make changes. I’m going somewhere. I’m going to set the world on fire!
Doesn’t every college student feel that way?! Doesn’t everyone who’s accomplished something big feel that way? I don’t know. I know I do! I feel invincible. I feel like that’s the way it’s supposed to be. You aim for everything your little heart desires. You don’t always make it, but you keep dreaming. One day it’ll turn out right. One day all the work you’ve done will mean something.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m going somewhere. I’m ready! I want to go! I want to do something. I want to mean something. I want to mean something to someone. I want to make a difference. PS. I’m really not ready. I have so much to learn.
I know I’ll always be learning though. I love learning.
I feel like I can do anything. I can do anything.
And I’ve always told you you can too h.b. I love you.
It doesn’t take much to change my attitude for the day. Just knowing I would probably see you tonight was enough for me to be positive and happy all day. It’s amazing what you do to me.
I just wish that wasn’t always the case because it does work in reverse too.
At my office the front door is glass. It has handles on both sides.
I throughly enjoy watching people pull the door when you have to push it. People who have worked in this office for four years!? What are you even thinking?! hahah. It makes my day better.
and she swears there’s nothing wrong
i hear her playing that same old song
she puts me up and puts me on
and had a bad day again
she said i would not understand
she left a note and said i’m sorry i
i had a bad day again
I’ve decided that I don’t think I have bad days. I mean, of course there are days that nothing seems to go right. Days that I play my SIMS 3 until my people are about to get married to just to find out that my computer doesn’t support the game anymore! Days when I want to exercise, I want to ride the bike that we just fixed up but it rains every night when I get home from work. Days when I miss the boy and want nothing more than to be with him.
But I get over those things. I’ve been thinking that maybe I let those things go because they’re not always important in the long run. There will be other days to play SIMS. There will be other days to ride my bike. There will be other days to love a boy. There may even be other boys.
I don’t let things get to me too much. I don’t stress. Well, I do stress, I freak out. But still, I never honestly don’t think I’ll get something done. I guess I’m just optimistic that way.
Jamie spent hours one night explaining to me how he can’t be happy because there’s always going to be something bad. Something gone wrong. I told him happiness doesn’t mean that everything is perfect, but that you can overlook those things. He said that happiness is what you’re taught happiness is. Which makes sense. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be happy. That makes me imensely sad.
I’ve come to the realization that basically the only people checking out my blog are the ones looking for the lyrics to “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved”. lol. that’s just wonderful. At least it gets people looking I guess! hahah.
Well I’ve been thinking about first loves.
I do believe that you’ll honestly always love your first love. But maybe you don’t really love the person you think was your first love so your second love really is your first love because the first wasn’t real love? I don’t know. I choose to believe that you can fall in love more than once. I think it makes life happier too.
But since you’ll always love your first love, you’d probably always be willing to get back with them. That’s probably not everyone’s case, but I’m sure it will be mine. I’ve loved him. I love him. and I will love him. But I’d be afraid to do anything again because I’d be scared.
First loves are always the purest though. Like, you’ve never been hurt by love before. You don’t really know what kind of pain is associated with loving someone and then losing them. You don’t hold anything back. You give your everything just to fall to the ground in the end. First love is beautiful.
I hope every time I love it’s as beautiful as a first love.
I don’t know that I can do that though. I think even my first love was guarded. I don’t have a solid mother and father love relationship like other people do. I don’t know the power of the love between a man and a woman. My parents divorced when I was four or five. And as much as I don’t think it bothers me, I think I’m subconsciously making it a part of my life. I’m subconsciously guarding myself from letting others in too much because I’m not convinced of the power of love.
I made a new CD. It’s wonderful. It’s full of sad break up songs and just good love songs. I’m very pleased with it. Here’s the playlist! Check it out!
Just A Dream – Carrie Underwood
Funny How It Is – Dave Matthews Band
The Man Who Can’t Be Moved – The Script
For The Nights I Can’t Remember – Hedley
A Day to Be Alone – One Less Reason
Flat On the Floor – Carrie Underwood
Love, Save the Empty – Erin McCarley
Who You Are Without Me – Kate Voegele
Old School – Hedley
Manhattan From the Sky – Kate Voegele
So Let Go – The Good Life
Where I Stood – Missy Higgins
The Easy Part – Chuck Hicks
My Baby Blue – Dave Matthews Band
99 Times – Kate Voegele
I Know You Won’t – Carrie Underwood
She’s Gonna Hurt Somebody – Chuck Hicks
The Special Two – Missy Higgins
Beneath the Silver Moon – Matthew Perryman Jones
Anyways, it’s Friday! I’m going to the beach tonight! Matt Nathanson is playing tomorrow for free at VA Beach! yay. I’m glad he’s getting more popular finally!
I’m bored at work and I’m looking at “This Week In Pictures”. Very good! I came across this picture from the Navy Academy graduation and I teared up! They’re so happy and I’m sure they feel so accomplished! It makes me happy to see people happy. I might cry now again. lol. But here’s the picture!
Isn’t it amazing?! And the blue jacket on the right (the middle of the three guys) looks like my roommate’s brother, but I’m not positive. But still! It’s an amazing picture! Caught at the perfect time. I only wish I could be that talented in photography!
On another note, I talked to the boy. He said I haven’t talked to him in a month so I can’t just want to know why he seems to be hating life lately. Umm, ok. I can still worry. It’s what I do anyway.
